i don't even want that memory, even if it was handed to me.
i'll look into photographs and mirrors forever and i'll never see what you saw in me.
you're the bright yellow canaries singing in my ribcage.
you're paisley thunderstorms so loud i cover my ears.
you're eternally optimistic.
life is alright but it's better in doses.
put summer in a pine box and melt those heavy hearts away.


worry dreams are crazy as fuck.

only to realize thats the feeling of satisfaction.
thank you god for shining some light on me.
i waited all my life for one of these raw kind of moments.
i will wait another 14 years if i have to.

maybe i won't have to clench my eyes as hard to keep the bad memories out anymore.
don't you hate to fall asleep emotionally scarred?

but low and behold.
guess who it is.
the saddest girl to ever wear a smile.
living on a lonely planet.
but i'd rather not be woke. don't stir anymore trouble.
"i know exactly what you're going though."
too bad i don't.
my head is the junkyard for your rusty midnight wonders.
i should keep a calendar for all the times you actually come through.
people can go bad. just like food. 
after all the fuck ups i've been through i am definitely convinced of this.
but i'll never be down. i will never cry.
these walls are too thin, and i don't want anyone to catch me being human.
this morning you were awesome- but today you just pissed me off. 
i'm tired of saying all these pretty words to romanticize it. 
you are such a fucking bitch. the sooner back to the midwest the better.

i would travel miles just to see you smile."
can't leave this town because i am forever in debt to the people who made me this way.
the compliments i receive i never really hear. they just go into one ear and out the other.
"you're gorgeous", but i don't think of myself that way so i never believe it.
"you're great at drawing", except i can never put another use to my drawings so it feels so useless to me.
"i love your style" but i probably don't dress that great because its not my thing.
"i love your words", it only feels good when the person i was writing about says they like it.
"i love you", but they wouldn't if they knew me. and so on.

then one day someone told me "you've got an amazing sense of the pretend" and it gave me the chills. its all i have ever believed in. i don't care about the yays and nays of the world because everything is more comfy in my own head.

i wish i could live in my head forever.
going to sleep is another excuse to see you.

to be continued...

I feel like a 2.0 version of myself.
Guess I've been updating me than journal entries.
Will you be my yellow bird?
Im sick of all this flying stuff.
Or are you still that dependent swan that I know and that I love.
There's marks on my arms of pinches from when I thought this was a dream.
I still think it is..
I tear up at movies that I hopelessly adore, and I tear up when you do the best things that make me smile.
Make me shiver.
Make me dizzy.
"I can feel you..I can feel your heart beating beside mine..nothing has ever felt so incredible..not in my whole life have I ever felt this way before."

P.s. Yes, I do remember almost every word you say..

threw my 'overdramatics' out the window.
you'll never catch me.
only in a photograph.
the world has become a dangerous place for me.
maybe i can live in my head for the rest of my life.
it seems impossible to shake all of this off.
the wilderness of my brain is almost impossible to survive if you aren't me.
whatever doesn't go to my brain will end up eating away at my heart somehow.
i'll leave all those issues unspoken
and bash the rest to death.
i'm getting late night goosebumps thinking of you.
i don't know how to be me since you aren't around.
i forgot how.
remaking yourself isn't easy, but i couldn't wait for the moment you we catch each other's eyes to change.
it could've been years.
you are the 2am phonecall after the party's over.
you are the minute before the alarm goes off.
do you ever feel afraid? sometimes i'm afraid of waking up. or never waking up. both just as bad in my opinion.
the sad part is is that i dont even remember saying goodbye to you.
exchanged 'take cares' and salutes.
january. i get it. i got it. i gut it.
you like the impact but you just want it to be forgotten.
i know when i smile you have a feeling in the pit of you stomach that makes you sick.
moreof if i don't smile.


god i need to see you.

the only faith i truly have faith in is chaos.
i only come back because i know this place will always remember me.
it knows me, and knows what i have gone through.
i am a mess of words and it is the only one who will get it.
everything feels safer with people who are unknown.
lock up my memories and secrets in your head. be sure to close it gently.
one day i'll move for the city based on my love of music and strangers.

"we all didn't make these pretty words to have people send to each other because they relate. we made these because they came from our own hearts and had to say it out loud, and our girlfriends were mad at us."

spring is creeping up and its clearer than ever.
i didn't mind the cold weather, it reminds me of when i met you again.
we were all new.
you were wearing the bright blue beanie and the red sweatshirt (that i would come to know so well). i still can't explain why you tried to kiss me the same night, but it's up to you, probability, or spontaneity. i also will never find a logical reason for why our lives merged so suddenly but i know the reasons why i keep you so close to my heart.
looking back at the past months i've spent with you i am amazed by the subtle changes you've made in me. i am not easily moved by anything, but you are the reason behind inspiration and change. nothing is conventional about us, but you hold me before drifting off to sleep for a second and I listen to your heartbeat, the steadiness of your breathing slowing down and speeding up at the same time.

Since when did every entry have to be a happy one. Since when was every entry about him. They aren't. Sometimes they are towards myself. Other days I might be speaking to you, to anyone. Just because there is someone in my life doesn't mean they're the only people in my life. That being said,


I'd rather wise down than get hurt for a lesson. I'll flip the channels 'till I'm satisfied and flip my middle finger to you too.

This light its breaking.
Its crumling up inside me and its so close to nothing it doesn't even exist anymore.
I want to see your face when I tell you that you have changed my life.
And you are bashing me to the ground.
This jealousy hurts like a drug.
I want to leave but I am addicted.
I'd tell you to go away but I do think you are far enough.

I'm almost there.
I can feel it.
It's bubbling up and my brain is about to explode.
I can't wait to find out what it is.
put down your heart, i dare you.
i'll pick it back up again and shove it down your throat.
i still want to believe as much as you.
i still get that dizzy feeling when i think of you.
i am homesick for you.
does that even count?
our love heals so much you've cured me in places i thought never existed.
and i know you feel the same way too.

i have been having many crazy dreams.
all flamboyant and memorable.
and you are in all of them.
we laugh because we're even now but we're still exactly the same.
will you sing me the same songs of young love when we're sitting under a different tree?
make fun of the old men getting drunk off watered down beer.
the crocodiles told us stories that we have never known.
we will always have our backs.

 there's lightning in my head.
when i'm with him i don't feel scared of what will happen to me after i die.
i only know that you'll never know me.
and all you'll know is yourself.
i am the love of my own life.
left myself twice, broke my own heart
lead my head onto bad conclusions;
i'm spiralling into false words on a journal entry.
rain, rain please stay.
because no one cares about the eyes that are always leaking.
and theonly thing i am is the floorboard that keeps creaking.
i could feel the mistakes wash away from my skin.
sometimes nothing can take away those memories. take a shower for hours and still feel dirty from the memories.
keep your hoods up, don't let the past find you again.

this weather is a piece of life, cut pure with a rusty knife.